Dan Savage is utterly brilliant. One of my favorite things he’s ever accomplished is the creation of a new word, santorum. Congressional know-it-alls might think of former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, a so-called “family values” assmunch who was among the first to make the “gay marriage is functionally equivalent to bestiality” argument, at least publically. Savage ran a contest to come up with a new name for the word santorum, and the winning definition is…well, hell. Google “santorum” for yourself, and the first site is http://www.spreadingsantorum.com. The text on the opening page is
1. The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.
How better to memorialize Senator Rick and his extreme assholishness?
Well, Dan is back at it again, running a new contest to come up with a new definition for the word “Saddleback”, in honor of Saddleback Church, home of homophobic pastor Rick Warren. For the record, here are the nominees:
1) Logically, if “barebacking” means having butt sex with no condom, then “saddlebacking” should mean having butt sex with a condom.
2) Saddleback (verb): to submit someone to any kind of humiliating, unreciprocal sex act, either literally or metaphorically, consented to by passive partner due to submissive/masochistic tendencies, desire for approval, or other darker motive. E.g., “I don’t know why Obama is letting Rick Warren saddleback him into presiding over his inauguration.”
3) The saddleback position involves placing your lubed dick between the butt cheeks of your partner. This position can be performed on your sides or on top of a facedown partner (maybe with a pillow under his or her hips). My favorite way of finishing up the saddlebacking is to lift up and come on my wife’s sweaty back. The saddleback is a nice compromise position when your partner won’t allow anal entry.
4) To saddleback is to rail against gay sex in public while secretly indulging in the same in private. Ted Haggard? Total saddlebacker. Larry Craig? Saddlebacker. Rick Warren? Probably a saddlebacker.
5) “Saddlebacking” should be the term for the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities. “After attending the Purity Ball, Heather and Bill saddlebacked all night because she’s saving herself for marriage.” Please, please adopt this definition!
6) Saddleback (verb): to ejaculate on the back of a partner at the culmination of doggy-style anal sex.
7) Before being invited to give the invocation, Mr. Warren was most noted for his book The Purpose Driven Life. Therefore, “to saddleback” is to fuck with a purpose, i.e., to procreate. A heterosexual couple asked if they’re trying to have children could reply, “No, we’re not ready for kids yet, but we’ll probably start saddlebacking next year.”
My personal favorite is #5, because it would be the most particularly irritating to Pastor Rick, but #6 is similarly annoying, and #1 is the almost-too-obvious definition.
If you want to participate in the vote, here are the instructions:
Vote for your favorite definition from the list of nominees by sending an e-mail to email@example.com. You must include “saddleback” and the number of your preferred definition in the subject line to have your vote count (“saddleback: 1,” “saddleback: 2,” etc.).
Vote early, vote often!